Welcome to a new year. Welcome, New Year. This set of holidays is coming to a close, and on we go.
Speaking of holidays, while at an annual community potluck on Christmas Eve, I was approached by a friend who asked why another friend was not in attendance. She had been given a little information about this absent friend by another mutual friend, and she wanted to know how she could help. The friend not in attendance has cancer and had been hospitalized for several days following treatment, just prior to the holiday.
Is this a familiar scenario? Have you found yourself hearing a little bit of information about someone who is not well, and wanting to know more, and how you can help? Or have you been the person who is not well and you have not spread the news widely, for whatever reason: a wish to remain autonomous, lack of ability to reach out to everyone, because you have not wanted to burden others, or even thought others may not want to know?
Holding ones trust in confidence can be like walking a tightrope. As one who has been in this position as a friend or professional service provider, I respect my friends' and my clients' needs to write their own story. It IS their story, after all. And that includes divulging information about their conditions at their own will- as long as they have the faculties to do so.
The level of involvement of others in our stories varies. Some of us are spouses, parents, partners, and have close family members who are our innermost circle. And from there we move outward. Our friend noted above has a partner at home. The two of them decided together which friends would be in their innermost circle for calling on to help in a time of need. That circle has changed a bit, and has widened. Beyond that are people in the community who are also friends and who are also learning of this friend's condition. Some of this comes from people thinking other people know, and saying something, and some of this comes directly from the friend or his partner reaching out, encountering an acquaintance at the cancer center, or the like.
As a service professional working with those who face the end of life, I would urge you, reader, to consider your circles, and how you would handle letting others know and calling on, or allowing, assistance? Are you a "very private person" or a "drama queen" or somewhere in the spectrum between? Are you highly independent or someone who welcomes all hands on deck, or somewhere inside those parameters?
If you have a close family and good friends, you can be assured that people will be curious, and especially if you are well known in your community, the number of people who will be curious will increase over time, as word gets out or people simply ask about your absence.
This IS your story, but part of that story is the people around you who care for you and about whom you care. Some good thought ahead as to how you would handle the situation described here can make telling others- and accepting help- easier on you and those you love. Because if you don't say something, someone will ask someone closer to you. It's natural.
And if you are someone who has a friend or acquaintance in the situation described here, remember this IS that person's story. It's OK to be curious and to want to help. But be judicious and discreet in asking, and keep in mind that those closer to the center of the circle may be walking that tightrope of respecting their loved one's wishes while at the same time attempting to graciously accept that others are concerned and want to help.
As always, I welcome your thoughts.
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